Do’s And Dont’s Of Making a Sex Tape
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Although actually watching them was like watching paint f*ck, kim kardashian and ray j are concrete proof that a sex tape can benefit both parties. Slutty celeb ambition aside, a properly made video recording of you and your lover’s most intimate moments can be a private, visual confirmation of your mutual love and affection, a relevant boon in moments of libido recession, or an audition tape to host 106 and Park.
While i’m assuming most of us haven’t actually recorded ourselves, i’m 100 percent sure everyone has thought about it at least once. with this in mind, the champ has decided to bring you ten vsb do’s and dont’s of making a sex tape. take notes.
1) Do make sure you have enough light
Unless you want your vid to look and sound like one of stevie wonder’s dreams or a triple x version of the “blair witch project”, its a good idea to make sure your filming area has proper lighting. take my word for it, there’s nothing more disorientating and disappointing than anticipating great theater but witnessing shadow sex puppets 3 when you finally play it back.
This is one the reasons why i keep a spare strobe light in my bedroom closet
2) Don’t show your face
Over 92% of amateur sex videos are made with cell phone camcorders¹, which explains how these things seem to leak out so frequently. Because of this, you should probably make sure your face is somewhat obscured.
While this can be accomplished with creative positioning, personally, i prefer to just rock twin zorro masks.
3) Don’t use any t-mobile products
Trust me
4) Do make sure that all parties involved realize they are being recorded
Although the mini cam you’ve hidden in that evisu shoebox on your dresser saved you from all nine of those rape charges last year, its in everyone’s best interest if each participant knows they’re being filmed.
And, although i can appreciate the comic relief in slipping in a whispered “yeah baby, smile for daddy’s camera” between a chorus of unintelligible moans and “say my names“…
…5) Don’t decide to let them know they’re being recorded halfway through the act unless you want to get stabbed
6) Do have a sense of humor
Camcorders have a funny tendency to record the type of stuff you don’t see in that flattering mirror you pass twenty-seven times a day or those nine year old facebook profile pics that you’ve convinced yourself you still actually look like. You’ll need a sense of humor if you watch yourself and receive visual conformation that your real nude and sexual self is more janet reno than janet jacme
7) Don’t allow any unexpected visitors
This includes (but isn’t limited to): pets, babies, roaches, baby roaches, parents, window voyeurs (unless planned), annoying ringtones, midgets (unless bored), and angry ex-girlfriends (unless banging)
8 ) Do handle the recording duties by yourself
Even if he allowed you to borrow the cam he uses to watch the barbershop while its closed, its probably not the best idea to ask your barber to record you and your girl, and its definitely not the best idea to let his janky-ass watch if he volunteers
9) Don’t blast your sexin mixtape
Call me crazy but, when you replay this vid i’m assuming you’re going to want to actually hear each other instead of aaron hall’s scary ass screaming “i miss you”
lastly,
10) Don’t be chris brown a freakin punk
Don’t be the paragon of bitchassedness who “accidently” leaks you and your lovers most intimate moments on the internet after a bad break-up or argument. There’s no possible excuse or justification for this, unless, of course, she hits your over the hill ass up for 50 g’s a month in child support.
So, falks, how do you feel about the sex tape? Did i miss anything? Has anyone ever recorded themselves during the deed, or wanted to but chickened out thought otherwise?